How to end self-doubt for good!

For a lot of people, life is actually rather simple. You go to work, you come home to your family, you engage in your weekend activities with friends and neighbours, or your parents or your relatives who come to visit. You raise your children, send them off to school, then university, and then watch them grow into young adults to soon get married and have children of their own. And then, the whole cycle starts over.

It definitely sounds like the proverbial hamster on a wheel scenario and while that might sound cynical, I must admit having such a positive support system around you (your "tribe" so to speak) is crucial to your mental well-being as well as that of those around you. When such a well-oiled system is in place, the people involved couldn't care less about the negativity that's happening "elsewhere' in the world. People go on with their lives and couldn't give a damn about left-wing or right-wing politics, or what part of the world is currently battling with the four horsemen of war, famine, disease and death. Such people have come rather close to achieving true happiness from within, and I never thought I'd say this, but I envy them for that!

However, in the modern world, such a peaceful family/societal system is starting to become a rare thing. Today, a good majority of people are afflicted with some form of mental/emotional disturbance or the other. Anxiety and depression are the two big ones. Now I'm not going to get into the WHY of it all. That is not the scope of this post as it would be several volumes worth of information! Besides, psychoanalysts, spiritual leaders, and intellectuals from around the world have already done a great job with their works, in trying to unravel the world's "dis-ease". All you have to do now is spend enough time doing your own research on the internet and you'll eventually find the answers you're looking for. I'm going to instead focus on something that is a centrally common root cause to all the major mental afflictions that are plaguing the world right now: Self-Doubt.

Depression is said to be the fear/doubt of the past. Anxiety is said to be the fear/doubt of the future. The common factor here is the fear or the doubt; more specifically, Self-Doubt. I have noticed that people who have the "dis-ease" of self-doubt tend not to be from the positive, healthy and happy family/society system that I mentioned earlier. A few, however, did indeed come from a healthy family, but somewhere along the way, something went wrong; a prime example being the influence of a toxic and narcissistic partner. Either way, the point is that something went wrong in their lives. Something caused them to lose the positive, optimistic, nurturing, caring and loving "spirit" that they once had. Once that happens, self-doubt and indeed doubt in general creeps into their psyche and takes up significant real-estate. This is where it starts: the decline of the individual's sanity, and quite possibly their humanity as well.

At that point, there are only two pathways available for that individual:

1. To allow the negativity to fester within themselves, causing others around them to be affected by their negativity as well. This may very well kick off a chain reaction of toxic mannerisms and trains of thought in everyone involved. This is how toxic and narcissistic family systems develop. Once trapped in this system, the individual becomes a conduit to carry forward the negativity that they themselves acquired elsewhere, and then the next generation of toxic individuals are thereby formed, all doomed to live and die in self-doubt.

2. To recognize that something is indeed wrong and that it needs to be identified and then corrected. This usually involves walking away from the toxic and narcissistic environment they currently reside in, and then doing everything they can to improve their lives' circumstances even if it means burning bridges with a lot of people. This takes significant courage and mental strength, and it typically takes a few years to execute. Once freed from the negativity, they then have the opportunity to rebuild the positive spirit and mindset they once had. They also then have the opportunity to teach the next generation the crucial importance of kindness and compassion while also teaching them to be very aware and weary of the trap of negativity. Individuals who take this path have effectively "broken the cycle" of negativity.

Very few of us take that second pathway, either because it seems incredibly daunting, or because negative peer-pressure dissuades us from taking it. However if you, like me, somehow managed to work up your willpower to take that second path and eventually found your way out of the negative cycle and finally began to live a much fuller and healthier life, then there is always the chance that self-doubt might still seep into your mind every now and then. Some of the most common self-doubting questions include the following:

"Did I do the right thing?"

"What if my choice is hurting others?"

"Maybe I am the one who missed something?"

"Did I misinterpret something along the way?"

"Maybe my ex-partner was right? Maybe I'm too full of myself?"

"But they're my family. Surely they should know better about treating me well?"

These doubts are inevitable, and are actually part of the healing process. So don't be daunted, or God forbid, throw in the towel! Whenever such doubts pop up, first STOP your train of thought right then and there, and then ask yourself the following questions:

1. Are you in a healthy relationship with yourself?

What it further implies:

• Are you taking good care of yourself physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually?
• Do you make sure to eat well, exercise, get enough sleep and spend some time in meditation?
• Have you stopped the negative self-talk?
• Have you abandoned or at least brought some self-discipline to any vices you may have?
• Do you have hobbies or activities that are constructive?

2. Are you in a healthy relationship with the current people in your circles?

What it further implies: 

• Do you engage in discussions with your tribe with genuine compassion, kindness and love?
• If you see unattractive, distasteful or even toxic behaviour in someone, do you call it out with compassion rather than confrontation?
• Do you encourage your tribe members to achieve the best versions of themselves and do you in turn consider their advice to help you achieve the best version of yourself?
• Do you make sure to have open and honest discussions with your partner regarding any topic whatsoever?

3. If you ever felt unappreciated or even hurt by some people, are those people now irrelevant in your life?

What it further implies:

• Have you learned to discern positive/constructive criticism from negative/destructive criticism?
• Have you figured out the meaning of "positive boundaries"?
• Once you realize that a specific person needs to be left out of your circles, have you determined how to implement your boundaries without being confrontational?
• Have you figured out what it means to "pray for the enemy"?

If there's a "No" lingering among those answers, then ask yourself WHY that is the case. Also, don't forget to ASK for support from the healthy-minded people in your life until all the answers are "Yes". If the answer to all the questions are Yes, then breathe, smile and move on. You're already way better off than you think you are! Those doubts you may have are mere reminders of your mental wounds. We tend to think that they're still wounds and that they still hurt. But in reality, they're merely scars and they don't really hurt ANYMORE.

May you heal yourself and may those around you be healed as well! Breathe, smile and have a blessed day!