The Higher Standard.

I took my time writing this post because even though my intention was to write an arbitrary anecdote on the importance of a very specific philosophical outlook that we must enforce in our lives, it somehow began to morph into an autobiography of a few tumultuous years of my life! I suppose that shouldn't be too surprising considering that the philosophical point I had in mind was derived and learned the hard way directly from my life experiences. So rather than cutting it short and diluting the impact that my experiences had had in inspiring me to arrive at the aforementioned philosophical point, I'm instead going to divide this post into two sections. The first will be a vivid account of my experiences and the second will be a formal conclusion of what I have learned from them, which simply put, is now my unfettered resolve to hold myself to The Higher Standard! I hope you enjoy reading this very personal and heartfelt post that I have poured my soul into!

The Tumultuous Years

Around 2017, I was in a foul pit of depression following the fall-out between my family and myself over what was then considered to be "irreconcilable differences" in viewpoints. It was only much later that I realized that the true cause of the fallout was far deeper! It was the toxic nature of the narcissistic environment that I'd been raised in. Till then, I hadn't even heard about a narcissistic family system! But regardless, the toxicity had reached boiling point upon which walking out was the only remaining viable option for the preservation of my sanity. I've gone into greater detail regarding the topic of my narcissistic family in a previous post: "Do NOT keep it in the family".

In May 2018, I left my native country after I'd requested the only job assignment abroad that my then employer could hand me at the time: South Africa. Since then, it had been a clumsy and stumbling climb to a more peaceful state of mind. Recovering from a lifetime of narcissistic put-downs and toxic behaviour is no meagre feat! I made it through to the other side through a soul-elevating journey that spanned several years.  But as I said, it had been quite a stumbling journey along the way! One such stumbling point came in the form of the breakup of a three year long, and long-distance relationship that had been going downhill for a while.

After that event, I was in a very dark place of self-admonition, self-loathing and self-destruction. I took to alcohol heavily and even indulged in marijuana quite heavily as well. Suffice it to say that my mind was a sweltering cauldron of horribly depressive thoughts and emotions. I was spiraling out of control for the most part. But at the same time, I just so managed to sustain some healthy friendships with certain people who had no idea at the time that they were literally keeping me alive!

Then around December 2020, I encountered this Russian woman whom I fell head over heels for. She was a stunning beauty; proper Victoria's Secret material! She reciprocated my feelings (or so I thought at the time) and I was over the moon! I mean, how could I seriously be this lucky? A drop-dead gorgeous Russian model as a girlfriend? That's pretty much every guy's dream! We bonded over similar traumatic pasts (something I would come to understand a year or so later as "Trauma Bonding") and after that, we were all over each other!

But soon, things started going sideways. She was incredibly demanding and controlling. She even went so far as to try and indoctrinate me into her so-called religion (which I will not name, but I can tell you that it claims to be of "scientific" disposition). The situation between us started turning toxic and it had only been a few months into the relationship! Finally, owing to circumstances on her side, she said she needed to return to Russia temporarily. I was still so smitten by her that I actually got her an engagement ring to desperately try and "seal the deal" so that she'd truly return to me. I know. It was pathetic!

But she didn't return. At first, I blamed myself. I thought I had done something wrong. Indeed there was that one manic drunk episode that she had witnessed that I believed was what scared her away. But after speaking to my heathy-minded friends and after I began cleaning myself from substances, I began to see very clearly. The truth was: My now ex-girlfriend had used me; plain and simple! She manipulated me and quite simply, tricked me. She took advantage of my weakness that stemmed from my past trauma and used it to enslave my mind and get me to do her bidding. Lo and behold, yet another narcissist who walked all over me! It was another stumbling and indeed low point in my journey.

She came from an incredibly toxic narcissistic environment herself so you would think she'd stay away from the apathetic and anti-social behaviour that she had indulged in. But no. While she did indeed rebel against specific individuals in her past, she unfortunately became very much like them as well. Whereas I chose to walk away from my past, she chose to become just like hers without even realizing it. Upon realizing this, I was incensed at her for her choices and for what she'd done to me! Then as time went by, I merely felt sorry for her. After all, she never escaped that dark pit of familial dysfunction, the very one that I had crawled out of a few years prior.

So when it dawned on me that I was played yet again by another narcissist, I finally made the decision: Enough is enough! I knew something was wrong from my side. Something had to change on my end. Clearly, I'm attracting negativity into my life because there's something I'm doing, something I'm being, that's sending a homing signal to the narcissists of the world. That's when it hit me like a freight train: I had been playing myself small! I had allowed myself to be of "low quality" simply because I had unconsciously chosen to be a victim of my past. No more! In that moment - that scintillating moment of clarity - I chose to completely change my life! I chose to do better! I chose to be better! I chose to hold myself to The Higher Standard!

This happened sometime in April 2021. It was after this pivotal moment that EVERYTHING began to change. I reached out to a wellness group and made new healthy-minded friends. I exercised better, ate better, slept better, thought better, and I even started doing something I had never done before: giving back! I started participating in the wellness group as an assistant, and witnessing the mental and emotional growth of other participants started to fill me with joy! This was new for me! I began to smile again!

So this is what happiness looks like!

After that "Russian episode" I decided not to get into any new relationship and stay single for a long while to come. Although to be fair, I did dabble in a few dates now and then just to test the waters. But since I chose to hold myself to The Higher Standard, I didn't feel the need to commit to anything that didn't match my new-found standard. Also, it was clear to me that I still needed to work on myself some more. I had already been through therapy over several years, and over different countries. But after my moment of clarity and doing the wellness courses, I apparently "changed" as a person and everyone who knew me in my proximity could see it and acknowledged it. Then, in October 2021, as if the universe was acknowledging my growth, along came this fantastic woman who is now my wife-to-be! Mind you, I didn't go looking for her; she came to me!

Of course, I was weary of relationships by then. But something told me to trust the process that the universe was clearly guiding me through, and allow myself to experience what was happening. Over the next few months, it was clear that I had done the right thing by sticking with this wonderful woman. She turned out to be everything that I needed in a partner - nurturing, caring, polite, patient, adventurous, strong-willed and so much more! But most importantly, she showed me what unconditional love truly looked like! She even gave me a stepson to be a father-figure to! And as the miracle of life would have it, it turned out that I am exactly what she needed as well! We are both very blessed to have come across each others' paths; and the reason it happened is because we both held ourselves to The Higher Standard! We are now very happy together and we're taking on life's challenges from a united front! And yes, we are indeed getting married soon!

On a couple of occasions since that Russian ex of mine left my life, she did try to get back in touch with me and it was very clear that she was trying to pry her way back into my life and try her luck manipulating me again. I felt quite sorry for her; that this was the only level of existence that she knew of. Surprisingly, I didn't feel the need to lash out at her at all. Instead, I merely wished her well and showed complete disinterest in whatever she had to say. In fact, this is how I handle all narcissistic elements in my life now, past or present: with complete disinterest. Because in holding myself to The Higher Standard, I now see these individuals for what they are: sad, immature, incomplete and overgrown children who chose not to grow into their full potential.

To my Russian ex, I say: "I genuinely hope you find what you're looking for, but not at the expense of someone else's pain. I cherish the wonderful moments we shared and I've learned from the unpleasant ones. I hope you'll finally climb out of that horrible pit that you've dug for yourself, and see life for what it's truly worth. Thank you for the experience. I wish you happiness, peace and love. Goodbye and good luck."

Epilogue

So in conclusion, I have some very hands-on and very well-learned advice for those who constantly complain about why they always run into the wrong kind of partner:

Have you ever once considered that you're attracting that kind of partner specifically because that's where you are at? In other words, if you're attracting a low-level person into your life, then have you considered that it's because you're providing a low-level environment for them to fester in?

If you've had enough of the riff-raff, and if you're finally looking for a better quality partner, then YOU have to BE of that higher quality first. If you hold yourself to The Higher Standard, the ones that don't meet that standard will automatically stay away from you. Even the ones that pretend to be on your level will eventually drop out of your life. You may have to go through hell with them temporarily, but ultimately you WILL come out clean and rejuvenated. The key is to hold yourself to The Higher Standard at all times.

If, as a result of choosing to do better and be better, a so-called partner or a so-called friend tries to convince you that you're being too "snobby" or that you're "full of yourself" or that "you're not really special", then that person DOES NOT belong in your life. Learn to place boundaries, and honour those boundaries no matter who you have to place on the other side, even if it's a family member. That's when a whole new world opens up for you: the world of self-respect and self-esteem.

When that happens, you attract the right people, not just for companionship or partnership, but also for your work, your businesses, and indeed your social circles. Watch as your entire world expands into new heights of potential and unbounded positivity! That's when LIFE truly begins.

The phrase "Life begins at 40" was not coined out of a whim. It's absolutely TRUE! But, you have to make that conscious choice to hold yourself to THE HIGHER STANDARD!

Thank you, and have a blessed day!