Do NOT keep it in the family!

Not too long ago, I watched a certain TV show's episode wherein it was revealed that the lead character's mother used to beat him, berate him and openly admitted to despising him. While her behaviour is reprehensible and can never be redeemable, the reason for her outright evil was that she suffered a heavy mental breakdown after her youngest son (of 4 or 5 years of age) died in a drowning accident for which she erroneously blamed her elder son. She basically blamed him for not saving his brother which then transmuted into hatred and the accusal that he intentionally let his brother drown. The boy was probably 10 or so when this abuse began.

Needless to say, this damaged the boy severely, to the point where he started to develop dissociative identity disorder, more commonly known as multiple personality syndrome. So whenever his painful past would come up, he would "switch" to another character entirely whose past was squeaky clean and who had a loving but fictional relationship with his mother.

I have to say, this scenario struck a major chord with me. Now please keep in mind that what I'm about to say is considered "taboo" in many cultures, for according to them, you DO NOT speak about what happens inside the family; hence the godawful phrase: "Keep it in the family". However, I rejected that notion a long time ago. I learned the hard way that burying the truth - any truth - deep inside yourself and allowing it to fester and burn you from the inside out, is just not worth it. 

You see, the reason why that TV show touched a nerve for me is that my mother too is a mentally limited person. Make no mistake, she's an angel compared to the disturbed mother on that TV show. But it still doesn't dampen the fact that her thoughts and the deeds that came out of them ultimately shaped the way I lived my youth, and not for the better. What made it worse for me was that this fact was swept under the carpet by the rest of the family and indeed the community at large as merely nothing more than "her personality". The reason for this was that the society I come from doesn't recognize mental illness unless it's jarringly obvious. I only realized what was really going on later in my adult life, that too after travelling and learning more about human behaviour. So by then, it was too late.

Saying that the revelation was a scarring moment is a serious understatement, one that's both hilarious and tragic at the same time! Hilarious, because: What the hell! How could I have not seen it sooner? Well, of course it all makes sense now! Tragic, because: It's my mom! What can I possibly do about this?

My entire world collapsed overnight! All the so-called life lessons that my mother had taught me were mostly from pure ignorance owing to her limitations, and were therefore nothing but nonsense at the very least and lies at the very most! As a child, I merely followed along, because why wouldn't I? Who does a young boy listen to the most other than his mother? But as a teenager and a young adult I struggled to get along with her ideas and her erratic behaviour. All the while everyone else in the extended family was compelling me to just "obey my mother" and "do as I'm told".

Obviously something had to give. To be honest, I came very close to caving, to being indoctrinated into the BIG LIE - that "everything is fine". But thanks to my exposure to the outside world via my travels, my reading and of course the years of therapy that ensued after the big revelation about my mother, I retained my sanity and my soul. I later found out through years of research that if she were ever to be diagnosed, then it would have been revealed that she has Peter Pan Syndrome. Do look it up. It's quite interesting and apparently it's a common condition that's been recorded across generations and currently afflicts quite an exceptionally large portion of the modern generation. What's alarming is that Peter Pan Syndrome (which for sake of brevity I shall call PPS) is a mere colloquial moniker. If you were to ask a psychotherapist, they would tell you that the common underlying condition that's seen in individuals with PPS, is in fact Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). It must be noted however, that people with PPS do not have full-blown NPD. It can be instead considered a milder version of it. (Note: As it happens, there is another person in my family who is indeed a full-blown narcissist who has done immense damage, while proclaiming to be "helping me", which very nearly destroyed my spirit. But that's a whole other story for another day.) 

This revelation - that my mother has some severely limiting narcissistic traits - broke my heart, but at the same time it was a huge relief - because upon realizing what was really going on, I no longer felt the need to fight the situation. I no longer felt the need to fight her, to have the same old never-ending arguments with her, or to even attempt to correct her. I realized that it was now up to me to deal with it - to deal with the truth, which was twofold: 1) That I was raised in a toxic environment and that I had the choice to walk away from it, and 2) that my anger was the direct result of the mismatch between my perception of reality and the truth of reality.

My perception of reality, in this particular scenario, was that my mother was intentionally being difficult, insufferable, overbearing, interfering and manipulative. But the simpler truth of reality was that all of the above was all she knew how to be. In other words, she doesn't know any better. She behaves the way she does because that's all she knows, whether it be a direct result of her own upbringing or indeed of her natural limitations. Upon realizing this truth, I began to look at her with the doleful eyes of pity rather than the vengeful stare of anger. It was then that I decided to let it all go.

Mind you, this decision - to accept the truth and move on - didn't transpire overnight. As a matter of fact, it took me nearly a decade to come to terms with the truth about my mother; to come to terms with the hatred I developed for her for not even acknowledging her problems and for all the verbal, emotional and sometimes even physical abuse she inflicted on me, the damage that she did to me (which warranted years of therapy to unravel) and in addition, to come to terms with the hatred I developed for the family members (one in particular) who either don't acknowledge the truth, or worse - tried to hide it in a cowardly manner. But I finally got there. In fact, it was only very recently that I said Goodbye to that old perception of reality that I had about my mother, and I finally closed that chapter of my life. That whole sorry saga can be a whole book of its own, and you know what? I just might write it.

These days I merely keep a weary eye on my mother and keep conversations as indifferently succinct as possible. It is the only way to keep that bridge open while honoring my boundaries.

But for now, I wanted to share this with you all, because I know for a fact that this particular scenario - familial dysfunction and the trauma that's been brought about by the parent's "limitations" - is indeed a sad, scarring, damaging, embarrassing and humiliating experience. But I know I'm not alone. So maybe one day I'll be in a position to help those who've been through similar situations. Maybe I will write that book after all.

Also, do watch the video below from Dr. Ramani, to educate yourself more on the matter of dealing with Narcissistic Mothers. While my mother isn't purely narcissistic, the realization that she has some of those traits did open my eyes to the fact that there are indeed far worse mothers out there, and that I'm actually far better off than most of their scapegoat children! For this, I am very grateful! Dr. Ramani is a well-known clinical psychologist who specializes in unravelling the depths of narcissism. Thank you for taking the time to read through my post!